We have recently become a community of more than one-thousand members--more members, more jokes, yay! I invite you to celebrate this occasion by posting some true funny incidents of your life.
The incident I recall was very embarrassing for me, but what is embarrassing for someone is often funny for others. So I hope you may find it funny. You will understand the whole story from this email I received in 2001:
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
5/4/09
5/2/09
E-mails - Save the trees!
What is it with these environmentalist people that keep putting
"Stop! Think! Do you need to print this off?" at the foot of all their e-mails.
It's just when I print them off.. that's the line that appears on the second page.
"Stop! Think! Do you need to print this off?" at the foot of all their e-mails.
It's just when I print them off.. that's the line that appears on the second page.
4/7/09
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend
After having great sex.
She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.'
She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I miss mine.'
4/2/09
Neck pains, headaches, dizzy spells
A man told the doctor he had severe neck pains, throbbing headaches, and dizzy spells. After a thorough examination, the doctor said there was no mistake about it -- he had only two months to live. The doomed man decided to spend all his money and enjoy his remaining life. First, he'd get something he always longed for -- a dozen tailor-made silk shirts.
While measuring him, the tailor said, "That's a size 17 neck."
"Hold on," said the man, "I wear a 15 1/2."
The tailor remeasured him: "You're definitely size 17".
The man insisted: "I'm a 15 1/2. I always wear a 15 1/2, and that's what I want."
"Okay," said the tailor, "but if you wear a 15 1/2, you'll have severe neck pains, throbbing headaches, and dizzy spells."
While measuring him, the tailor said, "That's a size 17 neck."
"Hold on," said the man, "I wear a 15 1/2."
The tailor remeasured him: "You're definitely size 17".
The man insisted: "I'm a 15 1/2. I always wear a 15 1/2, and that's what I want."
"Okay," said the tailor, "but if you wear a 15 1/2, you'll have severe neck pains, throbbing headaches, and dizzy spells."
2/3/09
willytop
A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger. The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say willytop. The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.
He arrives five minutes late, and his teacher isn’t that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.
The boy arrives in the principal’s office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was willytop. The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.
The boy went home, to find his parents in the living. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.
The boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.
The boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says “Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house, and even my hometown because of willytop. What does it mean sir?” The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.
The boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.
He arrives five minutes late, and his teacher isn’t that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.
The boy arrives in the principal’s office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was willytop. The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.
The boy went home, to find his parents in the living. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.
The boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.
The boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says “Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house, and even my hometown because of willytop. What does it mean sir?” The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.
The boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.
10/31/08
New Airline Rules
To cover the rising fuel costs:
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Passenger: Sure.
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Passenger: What?
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
10/21/08
The Teacher
A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a
nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing
that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously
asked 'Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?' Mary in the front row
raised her hand to explain it means 'To Our Teacher.'
The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than
the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on
it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves
his hand to explain 'That means 'To Our Teacher With Love'.
The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on
her desk with a tag saying 'F.U.C.K.' Her jaw drops and she screams
'Who can explain this?'
Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means
'From Us Colored Kids'
nice red apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing
that she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously
asked 'Can someone explain what T.O.T. means?' Mary in the front row
raised her hand to explain it means 'To Our Teacher.'
The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than
the day before. This time there is a tag with T.O.T.W.L. written on
it. She asks for an explanation for this note and little Johnny waves
his hand to explain 'That means 'To Our Teacher With Love'.
The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on
her desk with a tag saying 'F.U.C.K.' Her jaw drops and she screams
'Who can explain this?'
Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means
'From Us Colored Kids'
10/17/08
Fruit and Fibre
Ah, the joys of parenthood...One particular story concerning my young son that I know will destroy any cockiness in his teenage years, was as follows...Just me and the 2 year old staying at home one day, when I notice the tell-tale niff of nappy filling activity, and look round to see the boy curling off a 'right head-shaker'. Disgruntled that his Mum had gone out before this event, I steeled myself for the necessary nappy change, and put my son in position on his bed.
Popping open the Pampers, I notice that the Tom Tit is as dry as a bone, and looks like a bag of dark brown marbles. Nice. I pick up said soiled nappy, lob it in the bin, turn around and see my boy sitting up straight, looking relieved, naturally. Then, in a horrifying slo-mo moment, I see him look down, and reach for a small poo pebble that had rolled of the nappy, mid-change. Before I could stop him or scream 'Nooooo', he cheerfully said 'RAISIN!' and promptly bit into his own excrement.
Funnily enough, he wasn't impressed with the taste and instantly gobbed it out onto the duvet.
I've now got the perfect retort if ever he ever 'talks shit'...
Popping open the Pampers, I notice that the Tom Tit is as dry as a bone, and looks like a bag of dark brown marbles. Nice. I pick up said soiled nappy, lob it in the bin, turn around and see my boy sitting up straight, looking relieved, naturally. Then, in a horrifying slo-mo moment, I see him look down, and reach for a small poo pebble that had rolled of the nappy, mid-change. Before I could stop him or scream 'Nooooo', he cheerfully said 'RAISIN!' and promptly bit into his own excrement.
Funnily enough, he wasn't impressed with the taste and instantly gobbed it out onto the duvet.
I've now got the perfect retort if ever he ever 'talks shit'...
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